shake_the_shell | Success and the opposite.

(Above taken with my trusty lump of a Canon EOS 33V with some shiny Adox CHS 50 film, in early August 2010. Got it hours before they decided to chop all the barely down. Huzzah!)

Well...I finally got a Diana F+. And had to brag to myself. Because I already love the thing. I haven't taken it out yet but hell I mean to, very very soon. I've got my B&W 120 film at the ready, a Splitzer cap for it to play about with more interesting multiple exposures (hopefully examples will follow soon enough). It's so light and toy-like, yet...not. Possibly because I know what it is capable of.

For 35 quid, it was a bargain. Splitzer cap: £9. Three pack of film: £5. And no hassle postage issues. Go me. I'm intrigued by the possibilities. I can shoot straight as the Diana intended, with two size choices. Use it as a pinhole camera, another nifty feature. And, seeing as it's my first 120 camera, I can finally delve into the fascinating area of paper negatives (what're those? Photographic paper instead of film. Produces pretty things. That's all you need to know). Plus I'm fully comitted to saving for a delicious bundle of all the 4 lenses available for the diana, a coverter ring which will let me use said lenses for my Canons, the flash, and the 35mm and Polaroid back for the Diana as well. All that should come to just over £200 I think. That is an fucking bargain!! Gah.

So. The opposite.

I'm not usually the type who gripes for months without good reason. I usually chat to someone after mulling a week on the situation, and then feel better about the whole thing, and resolve it quickly. But not so this time.See, I've had the desire to go to art college since I can remember. Truly. My dad is an artist, and I wanted to be just like him, so I'd say as soon as I could talk "I want to go to art college & be an artist like my daddy." Fine & fair enough. That did become my own want, not a copycat of it, when I found I really did like it for me. He never pushed me. He supported my every decision, no matter what it was, and always will. However, everyone else, did push me. And I realised 2 months ago when I got my letter informing me of my summer project for my Fine & Applied Arts course, that I've been pushed so far from my real wants I have no idea how to get back.

Last time I was truly happy I was doing my GCSE's. I was free to do what I liked. My art tutor said to me, "You'd make an amazing illustrator. I don't think you're like your dad. I don't think you're an artist." And inside, I agreed. Then: tech. "Artist, artist artist! Just like your dad." And push push push, ignore what you really want to do, that isn't what you want now is it? But it was. I have no interest in being an artist. At all.

So. Here I am, not haing been truly happy in 5yrs with the direction I'm going in, and only realising what a big mistake I've made, & how I let myself be pushed into this corner by pretty much everyone. The thing that pissed me off the most is that no one I know personally knows what I want to do. It's not like I hid it.
What is that? Most of all, write. The greatest passion. Photograph. Obvious. And as for art? If I could, I'd love to work as an illustrator, cover design especially. But how I'll get there is a different issue.

I don't know what to do. I've talked to more than 5 people asking their opinions, and there's is mine. I should at least go and try this F&A art course because it's got a broader spectrum than I think it does. And I shouldn't worry as I will be able to do what I wish. It's logical. If it doesn't work out, leave, transfer, whatever.

Yet everytime I open my inbox & see an email from the college, or get a letter, I plunge into a very bad mood. I feel irreversibly unhappy. And all I can think & feel is that this is a huge mistake and I shouldn't do it.
I'm not that person. If I was really ok with this, I would be fine, calm, chilled & ready to go. But I don't, even after talking with several people.

Bleh. Rant over. Unhappy shake-the-shell is unhappy.